When I Knock

It's been a few days since I've heard from you.
It's been a few months since I've seen your face.
It's been a long time since I've heard your voice.
It's been a bit since we laughed like we used to.

Do you still like me? Am I still worth your space?
Or in these empty moments has everything changed?
Do you suddenly see all the seeping wounds on my skin?
Do you smell a strong odor of putrid flesh?

Have you started looking for the back door to exit?
Are you suddenly realizing how horrible I really am?
Do you watch the phone ring with dread when I call?
Do you stand quietly by the door when I knock?

No? You still like me? And you want me to stop by?
You don't see my flaws as ghastly as that?
You've been busy and you regret not being available?
But you've thought of me and missed me?

Oh, I see. You've not had time to notice my failures.
You've not yet seen how detrimental I will be to you.
You don't yet understand that I am too much work.
You've been to busy to notice how draining I can be.

You will. And when you do, I will have known...
This day was coming. But if it isn't soon,
I'll probably just do you the favor of walking away
So you don't ever have to stand quietly by the door
when I knock.

Everyday

Everyday I wake up, I never really know how I'm going to feel. Sometimes I feel lacking. Sometimes I feel content. Sometimes I am worried. Sometimes I am sad. Sometimes I am really excited. And sometimes I am just tired. But every day I wake up, and I make myself aware of what I'm feeling. Because ignoring the messages we receive from our body and brain and lying to ourselves to say that everything is just fine when it isn't is a dangerous game to play. I have negative emotions. I have positive emotions. I have neutral emotions. Sometimes I don't react very well to those emotions. Sometimes I am ashamed of my negative emotions, because I live in a world that devalues the importance of those emotions and I feel bad for having them. And sometimes I am ashamed that I am ashamed of my negative emotions, because I am someone that believes every part of me is valuable no matter what the rest of the world believes and should not be required to suppress them. But every morning I wake up and take stock in what I feel and why I'm feeling it and where it can possibly go from here. And every day I am challenged by nothing more than my own desire to understand those emotions, to find a way to become a better person than I was the day before. Everyday I test my courage to be less hypocritical than I was the day before. And everyday I confront the weaknesses I find or have been brought to my attention by others. Some days I succeed. Some days I fail. And every day I go to bed with a secure knowledge of that success and/or failure. And every day I go to bed thankful that the morning will bring a fresh start to gain even higher ground on my achievements or turn around and overcome my defeats. Everyday I wake up, I never really know how I'm going to feel. Sometimes I feel lacking. Sometimes I feel content. Sometimes I am worried. Sometimes I am sad. Sometimes I am really excited. And sometimes I am just tired.

Fill the Silence

Disturb my tranquility sweet angels of love.
Wake me with laughter and shrieks of fun.
Fight just outside my bedroom door.
And jump on my bed while I sleep.

Disrupt the droning peace my darlings.
Out shout the sound of the rain and wind.
Let your imaginations cry obnoxiously
In a game of pretend princesses and dragons.

Fill the silence with more decibels than needed
In a one bedroom apartment on a lazy Sunday morning.
And sneak over and give me hugs and kisses
To melt my heart when no one else is looking.

Half of the Sky

Venus sparkles in her splendid dance
And calls me to dance with her
She's bright and beautiful
In her own half of the sky.

The moon pulls me without a word
Across the sky he watches
Frowning at her beauty
Disapproving of her dance

How far apart they seem to be
One dancing. One watching.
Yet magnificent in their essence.
Each in their half of the sky.

She sings a happy song in solitude
How I envy her happiness
Her careless song and dance
In her own illusion of strength.

The full face of the moon shines on
Watching and disapproving
Pulling me away in his sorrow
In his own half of the sky.

He longs to be closer to her charm
And I join the frown of impatience
Of jealousy. Of discontent.
Longing to be closer again.

I fade in my solitude and silence
My shining face recedes to darkness
And she dances across my tears
In my own half of the sky

Not a dream.

The emptiness expands inside my body and meets me in the morning.
Feeling rested, but somehow, not remotely renewed or refreshed.
Closing my eyes, i wish this blanket were a layer of fresh dirt and my bed a hole.
I face a day, full and inviting, with so much potential. But all I can think is:
It's not a dream.

Empty Drums

Hugs and kisses and sweet goodbyes
The noise is gone with their sweet faces
I'm left with the silent humming of the fan
And gentle drumming of my thoughts

Alone now. Truly alone.
There won't be any visitors or calls
I won't be interrupted or surprised
I can get on with my work now I suppose

But I sit here and look around
The empty room wilts in its splendor
Everything strategically adorable
And neatly undisturbed. Empty.

I close my eyes and lean my head back
Crying comes so easily in emptiness
I long to sleep, but I know I won't
So I busy myself with tasks instead

I miss them more this way
I wonder how long I'll sit silently
I wonder if the silence will change things
I wonder if I'll lose... if I'll be forgotten

I can't help but wonder as they drum
My thoughts. Loud and deliberate.
And I wish I could escape them
But they are my only comfort now

My only companion.

Less

In all the ways I asked for more
of what seems well deserved

And all the times I begged for more
of time and lips and words.

Of all the things I did demand
and never letting rest

I could have listened carefully
and done with so much less.

Ton of Bricks

Like a ton of bricks warped in from some other dimension and just as quickly vanishing, leaving you stunned and slightly throbbing at the point of impact: your heart.

 Tear filled eyes spill over only after the fact as the pain is receding and you're wondering why you're crying on such a beautiful day with so much to be grateful for.

Salt and Sadness

The sadness I feel comes and goes in violent short bursts of despair.
Short because it's silly to feel sad in such a temporary state of affairs.
Violent because I cannot control the tears and occasional sobs.
Bursts because they descend from nowhere and overwhelm my heart.

I like to think of the salt air and I wish I could taste the salty sea.
I don't know why, but it comforts me and grants me breath again.
Imagining the sand as my pillow and the waves as my blankets.
And all the sea creatures tickling my fingers and toes as I rest.

What a silly world I live in with unnecessary salt and sadness.
What a strange way I experience the emotional state of life.
To taste the salty sea on my tongue and breathe the damp air
As I fall apart for a moment before putting myself together again.

Loneliness Wins

I wonder what this heart is trying to gain.
It locks me in this cage under the stairs.
There is a sign over the door that I can't read.
But I'm certain it says "loneliness".

There are whispers that shoot past my ears.
They say things they shouldn't say.
And even though I shouldn't listen to them,
I strain to make out the words.

And all I want is out. Out of the cage.
Out from under the stairs.
Away from the whispers falling
And filling my cage with fear.

But the harder I fight the more it hurts.
The more it hurts, the deeper I cry.
The deeper I cry, the further back people stand.
And the loneliness wins.

What are you trying to gain, untrusting heart?
You are pushing the world away
In your attempts to capture them all in the grip
Of your sweating hands.

Loneliness wins.

Eh.

How do I become the person I want to be?
With scars that show and scabs that won't heal
Because I keep breaking them open
In my efforts to be perfect.

How can I love the person I am?
When I am always failing and causing pain
With my impulses and moments
Of self-righteous indignation.

It will burn

It's quiet and lonely in the empty room.
And my tears fall easily.
The Madame of the house calls for courage
To sit in the room alone.

Things quiet among the bursts of pain
And if I sit here long enough
The clouds will start to lift away
And reveal what can't be heard.

The grey that circles my mind and heart
I am only hoping now
Will wash into crisp lengths and widths of blue
To rest my head again

And the tiny grains of sand and sawdust
They'll comfort me
In the damp cold under the moon
Or the warm breeze under the sun.

Lost and confused, for the most part,
Only sprinkle promises
Time is more important than anything.
And it will burn as it passes by.

concrete

unsure where concrete ends
yellow polka dots bounce
the chants of promise lead the way
waiting, let's go let's go
sleepy eyes give the concrete charm
words are lost in grateful bursts
palette pillow of granules and dust
the sky becomes my bed
aching mornings of salty vision
dry with thick groggy skin
the sky becomes my roadway
unsure where grass begins

Welcome to me

So high. So mighty.
Doing everything perfectly.
Never satisfied with second-best

I'm failing at everything
I disappoint myself everyday
And live in fear. I can't do this anymore.

Maybe I'm too much for you
Maybe I'm too much for me
Maybe I'm not enough of anything

No walls to keep me in
Makes the world a lonely place
When everyone else has boundaries.

Boxes they find comforting
Boxes I find suffocating
Escaping while everyone plays the game.

Rules and expectations to face
Gives new meaning to loneliness
When you're the one that's alone.

Fighting for a better me
Fighting for a better world
But am I the only one fighting?

Then what am I fighting for?
For you random cheers of encouragement
And your busy lives of justification.

They like to watch and say wow.
They wish they had the courage.
I wish I had their company.

But it doesn't matter what I receive
Because it will never be enough
Welcome to the water that pulls at your knees

Welcome to arrogance.
Welcome to self-destruction.
Welcome to me.

Across the Grain

It's cold when I can't have you where I want you when I need you.
And it's frightening to sit in silence as the moments trickle by.
Not knowing if or when I'll hear you next and why I can't
Rips me apart across the grain as I wait for something more.

Nonsense

With solid stout and sullen shreiks
The questions faking fairies feet
Seem pointless in the pounding pleats
That doubt the dances with deceit

It's mine to mince and mull and make.
For sloths and salts and soils sakes
I don't deny the dainty dates
That blunder while the broil breaks

But where do weasels wish to walk
And how can tenants taste their talk
It is the hermits haste to halt
That fastens us with forced default

Be clear in all your careful casings
Delicate with diamond day strings
Sterilize the stamping bee stings
Cheer for all the chided chasings

And when the dreary days are done
Be free in all the frost of fun
Take lazy naps in lasting love
And bake the blankets for the buzz

Fail to forget its final flaw
But raise the rungs and rub them raw
Its loss in lacquered labor laws
Too drab to drink the way he draws

Relax refined old razor reasons
I'm lost in all the lover leave-ins
Carry on with colder creatins
I belong to better beacons

Trying to Be

It's hard to see the rainbow
through the safety of the window
It's hard to see the sunshine
through the shelter of the trees
It's harder still to see
what changes should be made now
And it's hard to see what changes
will never belong to me

The girl behind the wall felt so much safer
Than the girl that broke them down to let you in
Easy to feed the dog under the table
And easy to call the best of men dear friends

I want to keep on fighting
for everything I've fought for
But I want to fight for everything
you and I share today
It's hard to tell the difference
between the sparkle of each star
Except for where across
the sky they find their place

Let's build the walls again with stronger bricks now
To protect each other from everything that hurts
Because it's easy to destroy what has been broken
Easier still to ruin perfectly whitened shirts

It's scary walking blindly
into the novelty of freedom
For fear you've turned again
and made the same mistakes
Wherewith we learn it wasn't
things that ever were the problem
But it was me I couldn't leave
it is me that hasn't changed

Show me how to love what still needs mending
Show me how to mend what can't be loved
As it is easy to throw out paper planes that won't fly
Or even decide to throw away the one that does

It's hard to see the lamp under
the brightness of the sunlight
It's hard to see the waves
under the fullness of the sea.
And harder still to see
what changes should be made now
And to decide which of these changes
will never belong to me

In The Wind

Reaching up with strength

Freckled with blossoms that rain

The branch rests firmly

In the wind

Gently knotted with care

Intertwined to carry laughter

The rope holds tightly

To the branch

Swaying across the sky

To the rhythm of powerful delight

The swing sings softly

To the rope

Gaining height with wide eyes

Gathering the courage to jump

The girl wiggles excitedly

In the swing

Shrouding her skin with chills

Playfully blowing hair across her face

The wind whispers daringly

To the girl

Reaching up with strength

Freckled with blossoms that rain

The girl jumps firmly

In the wind

That's fair.

I am willing to do more
More than my share
That's fair.

Because I want to give
All that I have
That's how I live and that's
That's who I am

I have enough to offer
That I'll meet you
Much closer to you than halfway

I have enough to offer
I'll do what I can
To make it easy when it's hard for you

I am willing to do more
More than my share
That's fair.

The things that I want
I want despite
Anything at all if it
Makes me smile

But I run out of things to offer
And you are still
Much closer to you than halfway

I run out of things to offer
And I can no longer do
What is now hard for me is still hard for you

I am willing to do more
More than my share
That's fair.

I wonder how long
I'll be able to live
Before I'm not strong and I
Have no desire to give.

Hoarding what I have to offer
Witholding myself
Till you notice I'm missing from you

Hoarding what I have to offer
And hating myself
For what I've allowed to happen.

That's fair.

I don't know

I don't know how to behave right now.
I don't know if you need me or if I'm just here.
I don't know if youre getting a little tired
Of having me around.
I don't know, I don't know.

I don't know what to think right now.
I don't know if you love me but just need a break.
I don't know if you overwhelmed with
All of life and it's crazy, crazy spinning.
I don't know, I don't know.

I don't know why I feel the way I feel.
Like you don't know how much I'm worth.
I don't know why I'm imagining such horrible things
That you're taking me for granted.
Taking me for granted.

Are you taking me for granted?
I wish I was more important that other things.
Because you will always be more important than everything.

But I'm not more important than some things
And I don't know what to do with that.
I don't know.
I don't know, I don't know.

Are you worth my being less important?
I don't think so and that makes me very sad.
Because I'm going to lose you one day
Because I'm selfish and demanding
A spoiled brat that won't appreciate what she has.

That makes me cry.
I don't know why.
Teddy Bears aren't supposed to cry.

So Far Away

So far away.
So many moments
Without you.
So far away.
So many miles
Between us.

Hold my heart in your hands
Whisper the dreams and the streams
That we chase to the beach
And dive deep into the ocean.

Tailor this outfit for me
Leaving the plans and the sand
For those concerned in the circle
As we visit the king.

So far away.
Sleeping to speed
The moments.
So far away.
Sighing to close
The distance.

It's patterns and rhythms
Drown my breath with it's depth
And I move without thought
Through the changing days

My heart in your hands
Taking charge of the barge
We reject and are swallowed
Back into the trees.

So far away.
So far away.

So Easy

It's so easy to trust you.

And for something like trust
To someone like me
Finding somewhere I can
So easily

Without fear, without doubts
Without tests and questions
Without wondering
When you'll let me down

It is breathtaking; calming;
A gentle reprieve
And I know and I feel
All your love

And I feel how it moves me
And my love, and our love
And all its ways and reasons
For existing.

Which all trickle down
And remind me that I can
And so I do
And that is so amazing.

It's so easy to trust you.

Best

You welcomed me into your life because I was the type of person that you wanted to associate with, be associated with, and become.

You didn’t understand why I never despised your deficiencies to be accurately suitable in the eyes of those that did despise you.

You clung to my friendship and trusted me because you knew I would never turn my back on you, and I never did.

But you became what you set out to be, at least in appearance, and those that despised you once were so proud of your accomplishments.

And you welcomed their flattery and the feeling of success in a world you wanted so desperately to be a part of for so long.

I saw you change and I supported the changes you were making, but I wished that you had loved yourself the way I had seen you.

And you began to look down on me because I was no longer the type of person that you wanted to associate with, be associated with, or become.

You rose quickly in the ranks of etiquette and proper behavior as you learned the art of covering the flaws that make you human.

You clung to new friendships that were critical of you and put your energy into pleasing the people that would reject you if you didn’t.

And then you became critical of me and you judged me, and you wished that I would change with you, but I never did.

I didn’t realize any of this until the day I reminded you that I would never judge you for your choices just as I never had.

And you said angrily to me that I should have, perhaps feeling short-changed for my unwillingness to push you into a place we didn’t belong.

And now you justify your rejection of me as I express honestly where I am in the world and in my own mind.

And you say I’ve hurt you, because I have chosen to be honest about who I am and true to myself in everything that I do.

I guess it would hurt to have given up so much and turn to see that you didn’t ever have to give yourself up in the process.

But you did.

And now you despise me, just as you despised yourself so long ago.

Eager

The crisp air
surprises my toes,
exposed, in their
untimely footwear.

I'm eager to share
that air with you.

The clear night
sighs with my breath,
in depth, with bright
sparkling eyes.

I long to stare into
the sky with you.

The low croaks
in chorus with chirps,
comforts, like boats
my heart just floats.

I can't wait to listen
to the night with you.

The wet dirt
and metallic scent
relents, with the first
healing of hurts

I look forward to tasting
each breath with you.

I wait.

I miss you.
So I close my eyes to remember your face
And I chase the taste of your lips.

I miss you.
So I stare into the air to concentrate
And I listen to the sound of your voice.

I miss you.
So I take a deep breath and fall deep asleep
And I dream of your fingers laced in mine.

I miss you.
So I welcome the night and the rest for my heart
And I listen for my phone to sing your song.

I miss you.
So I write you a poem and send you a note
And I wait for your world to be mine.

Disappointing

I guess I'll never be
The person I want to see
Because every time
I try to do anything
I only end up being
Disappointing

Disappointing

I wish life would
Hand me a pretty box
A wooden door that knocks
That I can open up and see
What I am supposed to be
That would make it easy

But that's not the way it goes
At least not for those
Who never know
Which way to go
Or how to grow
Effortlessly

What I've always been it seems
Is what I'll always end up being
No matter how many times I try
I don't think I'll ever be
Someone that is anything
But disappointing

Disappointing

What I Want

Let me tell you what I want. I want
Wrinkles stretched across my face
From spending too much time
So much time
Laughing in the sun

Let me tell you what I want. I want

Water rings on my coffee table

Because a friend stopped by

Just to say Hi...

And forgot to use a coaster

Let me tell you what I want. I want

Chips and cracks in my windshield

From the hours we spent 

Traveling together

Exploring the world - together.

Let me tell you what I want. I want

A belly that's just a little too big

Because I had - babies

Three

Beautiful babies

Let me tell you what I want. I want
A messy house, a messy house
From too many days spent in bed
With our toes
Curled around each other

Let me tell you what I want. I want

People to call me crazy

Because I refuse to conform

To these rules

The silly rules of the world

Reality

Be who you are.
And be sure that who you are
Is something of which we approve.

Be true to yourself.
And be certain that your truth is
In alignment with our truth.

Be genuine; honest; sincere.
And take care that how you present yourself
Is what we want to accept you as.

Find your place in the world.
And be diligent in keeping your place
Within the boundaries we have set for you.

Find true meaning in life.
And compare your meaning with
Our definition of what life should be.

Find your niche.
And be clear that what you surround yourself
With must be valuable to us.

The world is at your fingertips.
And it is up to us to approve your dreams
Before allowing it into your grasp.

Do You Know?

Do you know that I'm gonna love you forever?
I want my hand touching yours everyday.
I want to feel your heartbeat with my cheek
And I wanna be the one you trust.

Do you know that you'll make me sigh forever?
I want to kiss your shoulder everyday.
I want you to rest in my arms in the evening
And I want you to be the one I trust.

Do you know that your thoughts bring me closer to you?
I want to know how you feel everyday.
I want to know why you think what you do
And I want to fill the space of your needs.

Do you know that your words make me smile?
I want to read your handwriting everyday.
I want to hear your voice speaking and whispering
And I never wanna miss the chance to receive you.

Do you know that my fears won't last forever?
I want to share new ones with you everyday.
I want to tell you when the old ones go away
And I want to do it with our heads on the same pillow.

How?

How can I love you so much
That my heart is breaking
Breaking, breaking;

How can I love you so much
That my chest is shaking
Shaking, shaking;

How can I love you so much
That these tears keep falling
Falling, falling;

How can I love you so much
That my soul is crawling
Crawling, crawling;

How can I love you so much
That I reach darkness
Darkness, darkness;

How can I love you so much
That our nails are tarnished
Tarnished, tarnished?

Nobody Hears Me Cry

Nobody hears me cry behind
My black bedroom door

Nobody sees my heart ache
Or shatter in the cold

Nobody knows I'm scared to death
Of failing to be worthy
Of anything at all
Anything at all

Nobody feels me dying inside
Of loneliness and fear

Nobody cares no matter where
I never belong here

Nobody knows I'm scared to death
Of failing to be worthy
Of anything at all
Anything at all

Nobody makes me feel better
With nice words or smiles

Nobody fills the emptiness that
Is sentimentally mine

Nobody knows I'm scared to death
Of failing to be worthy
Of anything at all
Anything at all

Angry Hurt

People are angry with me
For something I somehow
Did to them
I took something away
That they somehow
Believed was theirs

People are hurt by me
For something I must have
Done to them
I gave them something
That they somehow
Find unworthy

When you take away
The image of yourself
And provide to all
Honesty

You are left with
Nothing.

Except people that are angry
And hurt by who you aren't.

Nothing at all...

I wish the universe that expands inside my head
would just take a day to recognize that really

It's nothing at all.

I wish the world I see in overwhelming waves
would just settle down and let me breathe reality

Is nothing at all.

I wish my angels would sing a song of redemption for me
I wish the clouds would come and cover my aching heart
I wish each hearbeat would break my soul in such a way
That I have no other choice but to be normal.

I wish the things I think are damn important
would take a moment to show me that really

They're nothing at all.

I wish the tears I cry in quiet confinement
would dry up for eternity and prove once and for all

There is nothing, nothing, nothing!
And all of this

Is nothing at all.

I wish I wouldn't care about so many stupid things
I wish my mind could handle all of the thoughts in my head
I wish that people would stop trying to change me
I wish I knew how to love the people that don't.

The people that don't...

How Real

Everything.

That’s what we share

Gliding over mountains

With the cold fresh air

How strong it is

The wind we’re in

How wildly thrilling

The current that spins

Everything.

What we have to lose

Interlaced tightly

Tumbling softly through

How brash it is

The debris we’re in

How painfully chilling

The wounds on our skin

Everything.

That’s what you are

Increasing the light

In the heart of my star

How real it is

The love we’re in

How quieting to have

A place to begin

Everything.

The hope we invest

Radically frightened

Of the warmth in our chests

How daunting it is

The place we’re in

How frightening to think

Of returning again