Purple Chaos

Fastened to the damp stone

Behind my head

Reaching for the tray

The more I fold

The harder you hold

Silently in purple chaos

Calmed by the dripping

Down my back

Closing my eyes

The more I try

The harder we cry

Silently in purple chaos

Filled by the dark air

Cooling my lungs

Raising my ribs

The more you sing

The deeper I breathe

Silently in purple chaos

Quieted with exhaustion

Across my face

Releasing the war

The less you show

The closer we grow

Silently in purple chaos

Buried with the madness

In the hot dirt

Calming my alarm

The less I resist

The sweeter we persist

Silently in purple chaos

Held loosely by your breath

Along my side

Soothed tightly

The longer we rest

The less significant the mess

Silently in purple chaos

Magnetic Divide

perfect plinking
covered cold
and worn

stay connected
stay connected

my reality
your reality
or theirs?

protected with
societal expressions
of perpetual
expecations...

my finger
your finger
covered cold
and worn.

so many miles
undivided
hope and strength
and home

hammering
hammering
the strings
of my soul

perfect plinking.
shedding
expectations

what do they want?
why do they
contact me?

they are not
my home

where is my home?
where is my heart?

lost to
the vapors
of sleep.

close your fears
dry your sighs
after rest
after rest

drift into the
sweet smile
of the man
I love

hold me still
let me sleep
and wake me
with a kiss

with a kiss
with a kiss

Sleeping Alone

My heart has two homes, two homes
Four sets of hands that have it stol'n
Lucky I am to have more than I can
Ever return back in whole

But my home is not near, not near
Arms, hugs and laughter not here
Missing the faces as I sleep in strange places
That are held deep in my soul next to fear

Blessed to have loves I suppose, I suppose
Distance in time as it grows
Releasing the tears for just a few years
Imagining it all but alone.

Eight

Breaking in the absence of you

the warmth that folds us together

shatters into cold brittle aches

An ocean of dull throbbing

filling the space around these

piercing breaths of broken glass

Congested with static

and waves of fervency

resisting lucidity

Calm my brokenness

you are mine you say

no less far away

Sadness embraced

with the future

at our service

Unravel

these lives of

our making

Travel

the map

to me

Pace

the

halls

I Hope You See

When you look into my eyes
I hope you see the bits of strength
That stand firm against the weaknesses.

I hope you see a vibrant fury
Licking the cold despondency
That held us coolly "secure".

When you look into my life
I hope you see encouragement
That in distress there is great merit.

I hope you see sweet surrender
Transferring the substance of strength
To things of greater value.

When you look into your heart
I hope you see great sacrifice
For the good of the people you love.

I hope you see wisdom in trial
Shaping the future of your path
Found against strokes of great strides.

When you remember this time
I hope you feel resoluteness
That reminds us what we are.

I hope you sense determination
Of integrity and virtue.
Always seeking higher plains.

When you think of your mother
I hope you always feel my love
In good times and in difficult times.

I hope you know you are everything
And I will do nothing but strive
For the strength of your courage.

Chase Down our Dreams

I just want to be near you.
I just want to press my forehead into yours
and brush my nose across your cheek.
I just want to feel your breath, and hear you say,
"One day we'll chase down our dreams, one by one."

When you look into my eyes,
all fear disappears from my mind.
When your fingers weave into mine,
all doubt scatters from my heart.
When your arms wrap around my shoulders,
all pain drifts from my soul.

Because when you're away from me,
the world feels too big in my mind.
When I can't touch you,
my troubles weigh heavy on my heart.
When I can't see your eyes,
I wonder of this could possibly be real.

There's too much riding on this silly mind of mine.
There is too much wrestling inside this heart.
There's too much joy inside my soul when you're with me
that makes the rest of my heartbeats feel so faint.

I just need to be near you.
I just need to hear you say,
"One day we'll chase down our dreams,
one by one."

The Sound of You Leaving

Soft rapping on your door.
"I'm glad you came back."
Sleepy eyes invite me in.
I quietly watch you pack.

The curtain waves inside.
Like a photograph.
The shower turns off.
Sadness, silent like glass.

Lips so soft and sweet.
Hearts heavy and torn.
Lightning bolts inside my skin.
Pillows on the floor.

Ferry rides to rainbow ends.
Where we fit. Where we belong.
An hour's drive to lunch.
All I want. You're the one.

So close. Don't let me go.
Breathing your breath. Holding your face.
"This is a nice goodbye."
Time to watch you drive away.

My lips press tightly together.
"I love you," on my phone.
Wiping tears before they fall.
There goes my ride home.


.

Perfection

You there. What is it about me that you hate?
Tell me. What piece do I appear to be missing?

Sometimes I realize I'm not quite as tall as I thought.
And my shirt is a bit more faded than I'd remembered.

Listen. It's okay because I already know I fall short.
Alright? We don't have to carry on with courtesies.

I chase these long beams of sunlight to fill emptiness.
But light fills nothing and reveals everything.

You there. What do you see that you would change?
Tell me. Where is the damage that needs fixed?

It's fair to presume foolish arrogance is chief.
Because for a moment I was convinced of it.

Pressed Back

There is a foot pressing into my lower back.
And fingers spread across my chest pushing my path back;
pushing my path back.

The time is very close and it feels like I should go.
Close but not yet, no, it's still not time to go;
still not time to go.

But I can count the days until it is my turn.
Waiting for the air to chill and for the leaves to turn;
for the leaves to turn.

Better not fall down these steps balancing on my heels.
With my toes over the edge and a determination that heals;
determination that heals.

There is a foot pressing into my lower back.
And fingers spread across my chest pushing my path back;
pushing my path back.

Turn the Page

I've read this page a thousand times.
It's about time I turn it.
But I go back and read it again.
Paragraph by paragraph.
Line by line.
Word by word.
Letter by letter.
I so want to turn the page.
But I'm being told to read it one more time.

Missing Link

I never knew if you were proud of me, or if instead, who I was growing up to be embarrassed and disappointed you.

I always wondered if you wished I hadn't been born. I very much felt like I was always in the way.

Everything I did for a long time, was in hopes of getting you to notice me and maybe even be glad I was there.

I always waited for a sign that you loved me, not just because you had to, but because I was something special.

Sometimes you did offer a compliment in my direction, and when you did it always shocked me.

Because I just assumed that the reason you never said anything was because you didn't have anything nice to say.

Somewhere deep down, though, I wanted to believe that you loved me and that you were proud of me. But I never really had any reason to.

Just a lot of silence. A lot of distance. And a lot of feeling very lost and alone.

I often wondered why I was placed here; why I existed; and I contemplated how much happier everyone would be if I didn't.

I got older though, and someone else showed me some attention. And all of this -all of me- became his problem.

And although it doesn't cause me to question my intrinsic value, I think I will always question the value others see in me.

I think I will always wonder if I am a disappointment or embarrassment. And I think I will always long to make someone proud.

I'll probably always feel like I'm in the way, and I'll probably always be motivated by that wanting to just be noticed and needing to be wanted.

I don't know that I'll ever believe anyone loves me for reasons outside of obligation. And no matter how hard anyone tries, I'm afraid I'll never feel genuinely special.

I don't think I'll ever be able to accept a compliment without taking note of the resounding silence all around it.

And I'm pretty sure I will always assume that silence is the controlled tongue of "nothing nice to say".

I have a lot of reasons to believe I am loved now. And I have a lot of reasons to believe I make the people that love me proud too. But I still don't believe it.

I don't think I ever will.

I am proud of who I am. I love what I've become. And I value every part of me.

I honestly think I've turned out pretty well. And if I were to meet me on the street, I'm sure I'd be great friends with me.

But I know that I'll never believe that anyone will ever agree.

I wish I could, though. I wish I would. Even if I were wrong.

Wonderful Peace

Hello quiet silence. You're looking up through eyelashes and eyebrows. Your furrowed brow looks scared.

There's been a lot going on and you have been sort of swept under the couch cushions as raucous and jumble have ruled the room.

But I see you peeking out there and it's nice to see you again.

There is a dropping of the shoulders and a resting of the chest as breath fills the space deep and wide.

I like it when you sneak out of your hiding spot after everyone has left, inviting calm and focus to join us.

My spirit expands into the emptiness and darkness and I become whole again as the world fades to a trunk in the closet for a while.

Warmth bathes us like light as the chill, like a fog, is pulled out under the doorways and cracks in the walls.

It's nice to hear the seconds telling me of their days, of what has gone and what will come. And the sweet surrender of time into the night.

I long for something that cannot be found in the emptiness of your sweet hum, quiet silence. But you comfort me with your timid embrace. I don't dare ask for more.

And my chest grows heavy under the weight of the distance and I listen for the sounds of this desire.

They squeak across the laminate floor under a cart of promises and things I've never known or ever seen. Covered neatly under a shiny dome preserving the heat of each flavor.

My hair moves in the breeze of these whispers... anticipating the gust that will blow my hair back and push me into the shouting winds of change.

And I cannot help but smile in the company of these things; these fortune tellers.

And I am washed with peace.

This Lonely Bed

This lonely bed.
Room for more.
Only one body.
Scattered sheets.
Empty pillow.
One lonely body.
Curled legs.
Aching spirit.
Lonely, lonely body.
Sleepy eyes.
Neon sign.
Tired lonely body.
Drift along.
Dream of two.
Tired, dreamy body.

My Alarm

Wake up sleeping body, it's a new day.
Stretch your legs to the edge of the mattress
As a tingle of excitement runs through them.
Arch your back and lift your arms
Allowing the current to run freely through.

Good morning sleepy thoughts, reality awaits.
Smile when you remember it hasn't been a dream
And this day offers more of that conflict.
Sigh as you recall how good and unlikely
These events have turned out to be.

Hello, Bright Eyes, the sky is your candy.
Blink in the sunlit room of temporal comfort
While basking in the warmth of another sort.
See a world that doesn't belong to you
While embracing one that has been given to you.

A gift; a warmth; a dream come true.
A peace; a current; a gentle pull.

Wake up
sleepy dreamer,
happy lover,
silly schemer,
wake up.

Gentle Haze

Gentle haze, sweep over my heart.
Your sweet smell and comforting warmth
is welcome here.

Centrifuge, separate this burden.
Your fast revolution has left me
breathless and thirsty.

Hot steam, saturate my pores.
Your clarity provides a peace
I can breathe deeply.

Sweet love, take all of my soul.
Your delicate touch transforms me
ferociously and I yield.

Yes, I yield to you, gentle haze.
Yes, I yield.

Sweet Dissolution

This heart
Hand-laid of cobblestones;
Littered with falling leaves
Of a fiery hue.

Dampened with tears.
Cooled over time.
Dank, heavy, dense.

This heart
Built to withstand the ruts
Of a yielding foundation;
Designed to support
The trampling of hooves
And wooden spokes.

Unrelenting resistence.
Damaging the traveler.
Uneven, unaffected.

This heart
Slippery when wet;
Vulnerable when loved
So completely.

Grout of dissolution.
One rock at a time.
Persistent, incessant.

This heart
Disassembled gently
Of a tender determination;
Soaked in hot, wet tears
Of astonishment
And admiration.

Exposing the flesh
Radiating warmth
Beating, beating, beating.

This heart
Stripped, Revealed, Protected.

This heart
Trusting, trusting, trusting.

Being You

Thank you for wanting to love me.
Not the girl you think I might be.
But the girl that I am.
And thank you for knowing the difference.

Thank you for seeing the real me
And not painting me with your experiences

Thank you for taking the time and the effort
To understand the world from my perspective,
Even though we are so similar,
And for not making assumptions based on those.

Thank you for loving me completely,
with that open end for discovery.

Thank you for knowing that although you know me,
You will always have to explore me.
Thank you for learning why I do what I do.
And thank you for considering that important.

Thank you for getting it.
Thank you for being you.

Nothing to Say

It's a perfect moment in an imperfect world
And I have nothing to say.

Because when you've run all night
Sprinting through every dream
With muddy feet and dew soaked arms
Stopping only for a moment
To pull your companion
Under the shade of a willow tree
Steal a kiss and carry on
Laughing and stumbling
Till the first light of morning
In another world.

There is nothing left to say.

3 Ships

I saw three ships like wicks of steel 

Blazing from the glass dance floor of salt and sand

Concealing hulls of kerosene tied to my heart

Burning and churning in the salt wind

Yearning to drift further on and deeper still

With flits of fire extinguishing as it escapes

This love pulling fervently

With knots and ropes soaked with passion and desire

Making stronger the raging fire within me

Intertwined and inner-lined

Sinking distraction and diversion as it pulls me down

With the sea in my lungs I die to everything else.

Take me away with the flames of these ships

Toss me aside in the waves of their reflection

Turn me and press me further to make me yours.

Cradle me and all that I love

In the warm current of your obsession of affection

And drift with me and these three ships as we burn.

My Sunday

I open my eyes, blinking in the darkness
Peering through the black air
I close my eyes and breathe
This is my Sunday

My smile breaks across the light sheets
Hugging the pillow tight
I stretch my back and legs
This is my Sunday

I sink into the mattress comfortably
Letting the darkness hang around me
I listen to the ocean
This is my Sunday

I have nothing planned and nothing required
Drifting back to sleep
I feel content and free
This is my Sunday

Low Fuel

On my - way to the farm
Holding - items in my arms

Making faces - as I pass the store
Yearning - to be something more

Gently - shuffling dirt and dust
Over the - binding to be trussed
Dare I - say it? Yes, I must!

! - Die.
! - Low Fuel.

Little Star

Twinkle, twinkle
Little star
How you calm
This wandering heart.
Across the sky
Of dreams so wide
I have lost
My need to hide.
Twinkle brighter
Little star.
Finally be
Who you are.

Say No

I don't feel like doing
What you want me to do anymore.
And I never said so before,
Because I didn't want to be
That glitch.

But it would seem my desire
To comply with your will
Was another way for me
To assess value to
A thing I fight to prove
To myself.

There are a lot of missing peices
That I'm looking for still.
And this one eluded me
For a very long time
But fits nicely in the empty space
It fills.

Letting go, saying no,
And learning to walk away.
Gems spilled in my hand
Placed in a soft velvet pouch
With a drawstring to keep
Them safe

All because someone decided
To take a moment to look
Beyond their own troubles
And be more than just someone
Just like everybody else
Tonight.

Cracker Jack Prizes

Shake your finger in my face.
Tsk, tsk! Shame on me!
Disapprove of my decision
To believe in fairy tales.
Rearrange my sock drawer
With the stitching facing north
Rows of six and eight and two
Rarely ever worn.
Toss a beanbag through the hole.
Ding, ding! Winner!
Cheap toys and styrofoam.
Cracker Jack prizes.
Hang on. Don't breathe.
Hold your breath for a sec
While we figure out
Where this diamond came from.
Lecture me one more time.
Buzz! Final answer!
It's worth finding out.
I'm willing to be wrong.

today.

I missed you today.

When I closed my eyes.
And I smelled your skin.
When I touched my lips
And I felt your mouth.

When I stepped outside
And I heard your voice.
When I felt my heart beat
And I touched your fingertips.

When I looked away
And I saw your face.
When I stopped to cry
And I touched your smile.

I missed you today.

Paint a Memory

Paint a memory with me
of a secret place
that stirs the senses.

Caverns to an underworld
of knowledge and warmth
like eyes that speak.

Magnetic force, like a kiss,
sharply drawing breath
and pulling at the chest.

Butter, warm and smooth;
soft and vibrant to the taste
like skin in the sun.

A striking hammer
like powerful hands
of strength and accuracy.

Syrup, poured over,
like a gift of laughter
tickling my mind.

Gasping steam filling the sky
like the breath of a lover,
hot and tantalizing.

Hustle, bustle and buzzing of movement
like the swell of a bruise
on your outer thigh.

A sunset, slowly drifting
like the soft collapse
of bodies beyond the horizon.

A place of dreams and fantasy
like a vapor of thought
vanishing before it can exist.

super pretty

super pretty
floral city

your face is pale
and gritty

safe in cash
and strangely stashed

your chest is vacant
and smashed

fragile fold
flaky gold

tomorrow could be
warmer I'm told

wilted stone
crumbling drone

tomorrow could be
a long ways off

but maybe you'll
make it home

this time

Silver Buttons

there is a series of silver buttons
lined up along the edge
waiting to be pressed
waiting to be attached

What a lovely story
The first tells of fire
Of drowning and falling
Fear, pain, horror

What a lovely story
The next tells of coldness
Jumping through hoops
Smiling, freezing, dying.

What a lovely story
The following holds close
Keeping the details in stone
Silent, secret, invisible.

What a lovely story
The last one wants to share
Of blossoming and growing
And finally letting go.

What a lovely story
The future will present
Of greens and blues and browns
And angels in my hair.

there is a series of silver buttons
lined up along the edge
waiting to be released
waiting to be released