Crumble Elegantly

Somewhere, deep in the caves of my mind
I turned a corner on this one without knowing

She said.
She stared blankly into the air.

Suddenly I'm scared
And I don't like being scared.
So to combat this feeling
And the destruction that comes with it
I will let go.

She imagined a frail women
Smoking elegantly
Magnetic to the eye
Yet crumbling within.

Sometimes I am strong.
But sometimes I am weak.
And that has to be okay.

She considered this for a moment.

If it's not okay
Then walk away from me
Because I am what I am.

She trailed off.
She wished it weren't so.
Today she was weak.

I make things worse

She acknowledged.

I can take a delicately beautiful flower
And crush it in my haste to see it bloom

She closed her eyes
And willed the tears away.
She knew she must let go.

It's so hard to want something so much
And not tighten your grip around it.

She reflected.

I know better.

She knew.
But it didn't help.

I Hate That

I hate that my expectations
Stretch beyond the realm of reality.
Landing somewhere amongst the clouds
Of fantasy and make believe.

I hate that my heart is empty.
I blame the cultivators of imagination.
I blame the encouragers of dreaming big
And reaching for the stars.

I hate that the Universe cannot
Contain the plans I have for myself.
Or even the plans for the plans
For the plans for myself.

I hate that fantasy fails
And emptiness reigns in my heart forever.
I hate that failure launches my hopes
Into repudiation

I hate that I know
That the problem is, in fact, me.
And that the only way to fix it
Is to fix me.

I hate that people say
That I'm wonderful and amazing as I am
Simply because they don't want to face
The truth I've discovered.

I hate that I'm right.
I'm tired of listening to my own thoughts
I'm tired of believing I'm something
That I'm not.

Delicate

Standing in the strength of its weakness

A product of its environment

So fierce and unrelenting

Stunningly confident

Indelibly attractive

Magnetic

Paper thin

Volatile

Undesirably Unsure

Dependently Unstable

So uncertain and tentative

A product of its environment

Standing in the weakness of its strength

Merry Go Round

We do things we change
We change our minds.
We change things we do
We compromise.

Take a step down
Pass yourself around

We do things we change
We change our minds.
We change things we do
We compromise.

Take a step down
Pass yourself around

Fall Together

Do we fall together?
She asks as if she doesn't know
Or do you watch me fall
And slowly back away?

Will we ever agree?
She asks as if she wants to know
Or will you always fight
Against my fantasy?

Have we ever walked together?
She knows there was a time
When heart and soul and mind
Behaved as one.

So am I crazy now?
She speaks only to herself
Wishing someone could
Answer back.

Common Denominator

You are the common denominator.
You are the reason for your angst.
You are why you are here.
You are your problem.

Cycling around again and again.
bliss..content..fear..panic..rejection

You sabotage your own success.
You destroy your future.
You slaughter your potential.
You create your circumstances.

fear..panic..rejection

Dust

Crushing the eggshells.
Watching them crumble through my fingers.

I peer into your steely blue eyes.
And catch glimpses of fire.

Flames of your spirit.
Dying.

Fear engulfed by resolve.
Resolve overtaken by fear.
Strength suppressed by frailty.
Frailties shattered by strength.

Grinding the eggshells to powder.
Watching it blow in the wind.

And I blow to help it along.
And wonder why I miss it so.

Flames of my spirit.
Dying.

Teddy Bear 2

Your vacant eyes, teddy bear,
They stare into the depths
Of the breadth we breathe.

You're torn again, teddy bear
Too weak for your own sake
To be adored.

Your heart is too big, teddy bear,
It beats so loud
And disrupts the quiet air.

"Hush you, teddy bear,"
They whisper sternly filling
The empty space with scorn.

Your tender arms, teddy bear,
Always open; inviting;
Begging to be filled.

You're just a teddy bear.
Don't be so serious about
Your place on earth.

Remember this, teddy bear,
You will never heal the sick
Or be enough.

You are your own, teddy bear,
No one like you at all
For you to hold.

You were made, teddy bear,
To comfort, wipe the tears
And be discarded.

Go numb, teddy bear,
Let the sparkle fade away
And do your job.

So Good

Syrup maple dripping licking
Lucky fella fraying sticking
Take it to the hillside slipping
Lovely moments lifting drifting

Taking me away in a breeze of content
Stringing me along in the winds of excitement

Tossing driving shaking smiling
Pushing stopping flipping piling
There's a rooftop burning crying
Ashes dust and realigning

Taking me away in a breeze of content
Stringing me along in the winds of excitement

Cutting deeper harder stronger
Struggling not any longer
Courses twisting bending honor
This is how we die in ponder

Taking me away, taking me away,
Taking m away in a breeze of content.

Stringing me along, stringing me along,
Stringing me along, in the winds of excitement.

Seeds of delight
Screams of insight

This is how we die in the winds of excitement.

She

She's taken too much from me.
I can see it now.
Digging out the loose dirt.
To the edges of the earth.

She's expecting so much from me.
I don't want to let her down.
Clanging on the copper wall.
And feeling quite small.

She believes in me she says.
But what does that mean?
Tracing chases through the ground.
And up side down.

She will protect me she says.
And I wonder of she sees.
Through the darkness of the light.
And underneath the sky.

Filtered Hope

I lost something today.

Like a sparkling grain of sand... caught in the wind.
It would have been beautiful.

But it's already gone and all its hope,
With it.

I wish I could walk along with one foot on this path,
and one foot on that path, and make it work.

But I can't.

I have to choose.
And I've chosen.
And so have you.

And the sand spills between my fingers.
Probably spilling since the moment I scooped it into my hands.

Now lost.
And only I remain.

But that is all I can hope for.

Rewards

Easy to hold
When I let go

Happy to remain
When I take. away. the chains.

Too many.

Losing what you want you can't hang on any longer
Letting go of the ones that don't matter
And striving for the ones that do

The affect is the transverse of the desire.

Focus on the prize
And lose the edge

Unlock the door
And let. it. go.

Not enough.

So many hands and eyes and voices offering their skin
What will she lose if she stays out of the cage?
What if she loses the best?

There always seems to be a sacrifice.

..this..

Feeling like this
takes its toll.

swimming in thoughts
drowning in doubts

I wonder if this
is worth the stumbling.

and tumbling
and crumbling
and bumbling

But I can't help but feel
like it has to be done.

fierce, intense,
passionate, mouse

Perhaps eventually
there will be a numbing

and I won't feel this

anymore

.

Chariots

Change these tired chores
To crimson bubbling shores
And taste the bitter blood
That rapes my salt.

Take this tattered shell
And crush it into hell
Just tell me that the flood
Is not my fault.

Wind that weary road
To the corners of your soul
And clear the stagnate dust
You have ignored.

Chimes of hollow apple trees
Ringing along the sour seas
Never tasting trust
At the core.

Dimly Lit

I grow cold in the vicinity of your darkness.
I grow complacent under the weight of your troubled spirit.

My fair skin has been singed by your fury
And is now thick with time.

This light once shined across the ocean.
And now dimly lights the room within I sit

And still you want to warm your distant, empty pit
With what little radiance I have left.

But I won’t burn for you anymore.
And I won’t wait for you anymore.

The same voice that tames me
Enrages my spirit into turmoil and grief.

I cannot help but wonder if there is a voice
That merely offers solace without requirements of debt

And as unrestricted offerings fail to endure
Unexpected settlements fail to ever begin.

We Go From Here

My length and my width shake me.
Something has happened.

I snap back like that rubber band.
And my eyes shine.

I stare into the dead air.
Astonished.

I take only the time I have
And I long for more.

"Where do we go from here?"
She asked the rustling leaves.

Into the sky, of course
And each step becomes stronger.

Don't trouble the past.
It is tired and must rest.

Then we fall forward, foolishly
Because we run so fast

As to not lose sight
Of that shooting star.

Where do we go?
We go from here.

We go together.

Sometimes

Sometimes I think about you like you are some great possibility off in the distance...
Someone that would make life a little more interesting;

a little more fun; a little more dangerous; a little more whole; a little more safe.

And I like to consider what will happen someday when we're out of excuses
And one of us ends up in the vicinity of the other

But then I remember all the things you've said about fantasy and reality
And I know that in my mind, you're some kind of fantasy;
Maybe a representation of a free me;
Or a manifestation of my desperation.

After all, maybe I'm just a lonely fat chick that just wants you to be what I believe you are.
And maybe you don't want to measure up to that fantastic assessment

But then I consider the fact that all things begin with a fantasy
And it makes me think it's okay to want you;
Maybe just for kicks and giggles;
Or possibly to lift me out of this hole.

And I'm not so far from reality in that I haven't forgotten that all people are morons
And that includes you and even me.
Some people are also wonderful, though, in spite of their flaws.
Sometimes I think you are wonderful too. Mostly I do.

But if I'm honest with myself,
I see that I don't actually want you to be some wonderful prince
That sweeps me off my feet and takes me to a life of bliss
Actually, not even a little bit.

And if I'm honest with myself,
I see that I'm just looking for people that would take a chance on me;
Who might put it all on the line to see what kind of person I really am and
Actually get to know me beyond what I present and allow them to believe.

I know that I'm not searching for someone to save me or rescue me.
I know that I don't want happily ever after.
I know that I don't even want someone to myself.
I know that what I'd like is to find people that simply like me; for who I am.

Sometimes I wonder if people like that exist.
Some do, I know, though, because I do.
I take my chance on you, and others like you and
I like you, just the way you are.

And I scare you and them.
And I find myself holding this fantasy.
Waiting for the perfect moron to come along.
Waiting for some kind of wonderful to be revealed.

Believing that there is something off in the distance; a possibility.
Believing that a part of that possibility is you.

It's all the same thing

Seeing the wind blow.
Or seeing the evidence of the wind.
It's all the same thing.

Watching a plant grow.
Or reaping the benefit of the seed.
It's all the same thing.

Walking in shadows.
Or hiding behind the skirts of men.
It's all the same thing.

Maybe it is so.
And maybe it's yet to be revealed.
It's all the same thing.

Teddy Bear

Take heart, teddy bear.
Your beady eyes keep you wide awake.
Into the dark night you stare.
Waiting, perhaps, to be loved.

Take heart, teddy bear.
Your smile invites many hugs
From lonely hearts that have nothing to give
And will leave you lying here.

Take heart, teddy bear.
You fluff leaves your heart encased
In vulnerability and expectation
Breaking with every lonely stare.

Take heart, teddy bear.
You'll always be loved
But no one will ever stay
Because you will never be enough.

Mist

My face
..presses into your midst

and you surround me.


I inhale
..deep
and my chest expands as you become

a part of me.


My heart aches as you press me outward
In an effort to replace the things of no value

Attaching your essence to me
Lining the walls that contain you


You condense
..and drip; drip; drip

into my blood.


Cleansing
..every inch of my body

and you rise up.


You choke off the air I once breathed
As my throat swells and my chest burns

As my face presses deeper into you
And I breathe deeper of you


Lifting you
..further

to escape in tears of bliss.


Dripping
..and evaporating

into the mist that I press myself into.

Beautiful Grey Mourning

My grey mourning.
Placing two feet on the other side.
Decisions decided
On this grey mourning.

My wet window pain.
Signing my life to the enemy
Fears faced
Against this wet window pain.

Walking away.
Walking away.
I've been
Walking away
For years.

Warm showers reigning.
Deliberate against the wind
Past passed
In these warm showers reigning.

Walking away.
Walking away.
I've been
Walking away
For years.

Unknown

You feel alone
So many want to read your heart
But you have been written in a
Language unknown

There is someone
Among the stars, written as you
Refusing to surrender the
Measure of none

No one can say
Why your mind expands beyond the
Limits of the Universe
And all it's faith

Only you must
Carve out the poison on your flesh
To deflate your story and be
Something like us

You are alone
Even those like you will protest
Themselves and refuse to reveal
The inner groan

Because they know
Peace does not rest in the battle
To become uniquely you but
In being sold.

You are unread
Fighting in vain to reveal the
Language of your heart and soul to be
Raised from the dead

It will take more
And every ounce of sanity
Sacrificed to the cause of what
You can't ignore

There is no place
For restless hearts like yours to rest
Or lean upon a moment of
Another's strength

So carry on
Unread, alone, unsupported
Unknown, rejected, resented
Until you are gone.

I Wish I Were Special

I wish my qualities outweighed my weaknesses.
It would be nice if you stopped for a moment
Each time I passed you by and thought,
"That is something special."

I wish I could pull myself out of bed
Early in the morning and run for miles
And then stop and listen to the wind.
That would be something special.

I wish I could paint my dreams on the sky,
And then build a bridge to reach them
And bring them to where you could see
That I am something special.

I wish I could sing my songs to the world
And you would feel like I was singing just to you
And it made you smile because
I was something special.

I wish I could read your soul through your eyes
And see your heart through your words
And make you feel better
Cause I've got something special.

I wish you thought I was amazing
And would do anything for me
Because you knew the REAL me
And thought it something special

I wish I didn't want to feel special
And instead didn't care how special I was
Because then I would feel special
When you say I'm something special.

If one day you ever did.

In the Middle

In my imagination there are two crowds. One is shouting out to me to follow them, be with them, and deliver their voice. The other sits quietly, knowing that my heart is already with them, allowing me the opportunity to compromise what I believe in order to grace the hypocrites. They do not beckon, but watch as I struggle to let go of the arms that hold me, so tightly, desperately demanding my compliance. They wait, knowing that my decision has already been made and until the other crowd quiets, which it never will, or my heart cannot bear to carry the weight of appeasement any longer, I will continue to heed the cry of the crowd that screams for my membership.

Denial

Kiss that rotting flesh.
Stroke that hollow cheek.
Taste the disintegrating life
You refuse to bury.

Locked in this mausoleum
Refusing to live
For fear of death.

Lie still in your rotting flesh.
Poke a hole in your hollow cheek.
Save your disintegrating life
And do not wake the dead.

As I crawl out of this mausoleum
Determined to live
For fear of death.

Blue Eyes

Thick walls of steel or something stronger.
Pressing into emptiness.
Nothing to keep from collapsing on her.
Sinking from the wet surface

Deeper, Heavier,
Darker, Farther.

Close your eyes,
Go to sleep,
My baby blue eyes.

Close your eyes,
Go to sleep,
My baby blue eyes.

Rough hands of splinters and heavy boards.
Gripping my shoulders and breath.
Float down with salty tears dry and bloated.
Calling my music from stench.

Expanded, Unmounted,
Rejected, Disgusted.

Close your eyes,
Go to sleep,
My baby blue eyes.