Be without Being

I walk through life skeptically. I trust, without trusting. I love without loving. I believe without believing. And I live without living...

~ I wonder if there will ever come a time that I can believe in anything again...

~ Perhaps the old adage, "ignorance is bliss" is correct. One might lie to oneself for years and be happy without ever knowing he or she is actually unhappy. Isn't that better than knowledge then?..

~ It's too late for me, however. The curse of having an open mind. To understand both sides, without being able to reject one over the other. I am painfully pinned to my own awareness.

So, today I will give without giving. And I will smile without smiling. I will doubt without doubting. And I will cry without crying...

And I wish without wishing that things could go back to how they used to be. But I know without knowing that they can't.

But I wait, without waiting, for someone to help.

Journey

I'm staring at the wall again.
Struggling to hear God speak to me.

I don't hear anything.

I'm curled on the floor again.
Begging just to feel God embracing me.

I don't feel anything.

What have I done? Where have I gone,
That I can't hear the voice or feel the touch
Of the One that used to comfort me.

How is it that I've come so far
That I can't find my way
back again?

I'm drifting into space again.
Trying to find a reason to believe.

I don't believe in anything.

I'm trembling in my heart again.
Wondering how far away God must be.

To not do anything.

What have I done? Where have I gone?
That my faith has failed and God has given up
On me, How could He possibly?
How is it that I've run so far
That I can't hear my name
Calling me?

I know that I can't carry on without Him
And I fall a little further every day
But I have to walk this road alone to reach Him
So if He waits for me...

What have I done? Where have I gone?
That I don't trust the hands that offer love
To me?

But if you wait for me, I'll reach for you.

Grey's Gray

The purple windows
Are washing away the grey
It cheers us today

But the faded blue plastic
Is starting to peel away.

My eyes were once blue
A very long time ago
A pressed depth and glow

When it was that they washed to green,
I don't actually know.

The sweet green summer
Ushers in the wet and cold
Leaving warmth in folds.

And the crisp air bites our skin
While turning the landscape gold.

Those gold rings carry
Much siginificance for some.
Equilibrium.

But the orange reflections are
Adulterating this one.

Water rushes out
Rusted orange for lack of use.
A descent excuse.

But turns deep red as it spills
From the wringed neck of a goose.

Red reminds me of
Being warm and comfortable.
Not insatiable.

And burrows then to purple
As peace becomes touchable.

But then the windows
Lose their rose coloured appeal
And the world is real.

All we have again is grey.
And grey is all we can feel.

3AM

Glass crosses my horizon.
Orange fringes my sky.
When does the heat go cold?

Port horn calls your freedom.
Shock sees these eyes blind.
If you cry the heat only grows.

Shame filters solid sleep.
Mountains claim naked surrender.
Try to cover the heat,
It will be okay.

Terror catches on fire.
Shelter slowly sinks forward.
Treasures cast doubt.
Eden is lost.

Don't fear,
Just hide.
Wait.
Love.

It will be okay. I promise.
I believe.

Faith builds a city.
It is all you have.
Faith, and heat

Haze

Imagine stepping up on a platform in the midst of a haze. Being on that platform, you are propped up above the haze and can see down into it. Your perspective has changed. Suddenly things are clearer and so you believe that you can see clearly but, really, you still cannot see beyond the haze.

And then, as if by chance, something punches a lever that jerks the platform upwards. The initial shock of the movement disturbs your peace and you would like to scowl at whomever is responsible, but as you look around you realize you are still rising. Higher and higher. And now you can see beyond the haze and the desperate desire you had for remaining in your previous position just a moment ago is now completely irrelevent to the extent of truth itself.

Contradictions

(modified 022411)

I'm standing alone.
Strong, brave, and free.
But my legs shake.
Telling me that I am weak.
And so, I'm scared,
And limited.